Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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