I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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