so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
