dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
