Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
