You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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