Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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