He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We talked him into tasing himself.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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