i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
