i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Randomize
