Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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