she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
