Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize