Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
