just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
