mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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