Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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