Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
