Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
