just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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