So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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