I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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