i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
