I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
