i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize