I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
