I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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