I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize