yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
