I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
