The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
