I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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