I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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