i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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