Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
