Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize