Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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