the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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