i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
