he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize