I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
