I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
