I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
