Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
