angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize