as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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