I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
