I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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