I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
