it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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