I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
