Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
