My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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