She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
