i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
