my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
