I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have feelings that need drinking.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
